I'm fucking angry all the time. Why am I angry all the time? No matter how hard I try I'll never be good enough for anyone. I'll always be to nice, or just someone who is a good friend. If I wanted to be friends I wouldn't try so damn hard for you to notice me. I hate everyone. Especially people I have to be in contact with. Their unintellectual thoughts drives me insane - fuck them. Fuck them and fuck what they think, but I have to be nice to them. I'm in constant contact with them and I hate it. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just fucking quit playing the game anymore? It doesn't bring me joy and I'm certainly not gaining much other than I stay physically ahead of everyone else. Their antagonist approach towards me leads me to believe that I'm an outcast. An abnormality in their social network. Then kill me, kick me off the team and fucking put me out of my misery. If I wanted to be unhappy I'd seclude myself and live in the past.
Sometimes, I'm happy though. I get a burst of excitement and I want be free. To taste the salty air once again and go back home, curl up by the fireplace and reminisce about times I'd like to go back to. The only honest thing that brings me anymore joy anymore is silence. The moment just before falling asleep where nothing stirs and all I can hear is my ragged breaths as I struggle to get enough air.
I need help that can't be administered. That isn't a pill to take daily and it isn't something you can place a amount on. It's not love. I don't want love, I despise sympathy. I want want you leave me alone and go away. Let me live my life peacefully and slither back to whence you came.
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