You're nothing..

..and everyone hates you.

I'm not overly cynical all the time; I just find the worst in the people before I find any good. Walking through the halls I can categorize everyone into cynical groups. You have your occasional asshole, the prick, the bitch, the jackass and on top of the pyramid - me. Yes, I am on top of the goddam pyramid of "assholes" but I don't give a fuck. I'm up here for a reason. Who else would be? Certainly not you. No you're perfect in every way - according to you. Nothing you do is wrong and nothing I do is right. So why bother? We both know the ending, it's been played a thousand times over. We are after all only repeating history. This is no myriad of options, no picture of a thousand words, no this is the present. It always has been and it always will be.

-That jackass who would pay to watch you fall.

Satire, Mood Swings and Insanity

Lately I've been having these weird ass mood swings. No joke, I wake up really shitty and by the time I arrive at school I'm as giddy as a school girl. I don't understand and I won't try. I just roll with the punches anyways. However, I really wish I could understand how everyone else thinks. It would be great. I wouldn't have to wonder why people do dumb ass things. I would just know and know, more so, that they were in fact dumbasses. But let's be honest with ourselves here, we're all insane. I'm fucking insane. YOU'RE fucking insane. Get over it, accept it and move on. Insanity is just another way to separate those who think from those who don't. I think, I think a whole damn lot. Honestly though, I am fucking insane. I find joy in finding the faults in people, I like to criticize everything and everyone and to be quite frank no one else uses their goddam head.

But I roll with punches anyways, because there's no use in trying to fix everyone. So take your damn chill pills and sit the fuck down. I can't see the board.

Really?

I figured at some point someone would read this and flip out at all the explicit word choice I use. I also figured I should tell that person to get over it since this is how the world turns and they'd better get used to it. Anyways onto my writing [typing] for the day.

My "shot in the dark" with Religion vs Science


Eventually someone is going to realize that without religion a lot of wars wouldn't have been started. The Crusades, and Israel and its hatred of practically every Muslim nation. Honestly though without religion the world would probably suck. No one would know what to do with themselves when they couldn't explain it with science and the world would most likely end due to science. Not everything can be answered with science and the same is true with religion. So continue to hide behind your God and hide behind science with the questions you can't answer, and feel warm and safe because it's easier to hide and not question.



-A Cynical A**hole.

Well

It has been a long fucking time since I've even touched this. SURPRISINGLY, I remembered the fucking password and I've yet to lose my taste in writing how I feel on the internet so maybe someone else will connect and be like "Fuck, I know how he feels." Oh well. Back to the grind.

I give up.

As time passes by I realize more and more how little she likes me. Its become almost obvious to me, yet I ignore the truth. It's my pride, my ignorance - my whatever. I must have fucked things up between us right when we first met. I was awkward and my lord were you beautiful. I guess I was to straight forward, to serious. It's a problem I have, being to serious. I don't "beat around the bush" and I don't sugarcoat things. That's not me. I'm right to the point. I never asked anything serious though, never asked you to do anything - except give me a chance. I must still be ignorant to your hate, because I try so much harder now. But now, I give up. We never hang out, our talks have gotten shorter and shorter and frankly you've changed a little. I guess it's finally time for me to throw in the white towel and get on with my life. I enjoyed your company and maybe you enjoyed mine, but now I give up and I'm moving on..

Is it real?

Is it real?
This feeling I feel.
I wonder if she knows
How it is I really feel.
I'm sure she does
She must know
But wait,
What if she
Doesn't?
What if everything we
Talked about
Wasn't real?

This is how I feel.

I'm fucking angry all the time. Why am I angry all the time? No matter how hard I try I'll never be good enough for anyone. I'll always be to nice, or just someone who is a good friend. If I wanted to be friends I wouldn't try so damn hard for you to notice me. I hate everyone. Especially people I have to be in contact with. Their unintellectual thoughts drives me insane - fuck them. Fuck them and fuck what they think, but I have to be nice to them. I'm in constant contact with them and I hate it. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't just fucking quit playing the game anymore? It doesn't bring me joy and I'm certainly not gaining much other than I stay physically ahead of everyone else. Their antagonist approach towards me leads me to believe that I'm an outcast. An abnormality in their social network. Then kill me, kick me off the team and fucking put me out of my misery. If I wanted to be unhappy I'd seclude myself and live in the past.

Sometimes, I'm happy though. I get a burst of excitement and I want be free. To taste the salty air once again and go back home, curl up by the fireplace and reminisce about times I'd like to go back to. The only honest thing that brings me anymore joy anymore is silence. The moment just before falling asleep where nothing stirs and all I can hear is my ragged breaths as I struggle to get enough air.

I need help that can't be administered. That isn't a pill to take daily and it isn't something you can place a amount on. It's not love. I don't want love, I despise sympathy. I want want you leave me alone and go away. Let me live my life peacefully and slither back to whence you came.

Your beliefs..

..don't matter. No ones beliefs matter anymore. We're spoon fed what others want us to believe and know. Enough is enough. Just fucking give up and stop. Look at where you are now. Are you happy? Probably not. Go find something to occupy your thought process and believe everything that is spoon fed to you. Life will be easy, and no one will question you.

On the other hand. Life sucks. Go find a way to make it suck less. Get a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. Find someone who you can argue with without the argument becoming an unintelligent, shouting match. Watch your life become better and realize that all you had to was get off your ass and do something for once you lazy ass person. Quit reading this blog and go outside. Run a mile. THAT'S THE NATURAL HIGH. Go do it. I dare you.

Is this..

..even fucking real anymore? Is how I feel even real? I thought I liked this girl, she's awesome, but I'm constantly trying to get her to notice me. Why do I have to try so hard when everyone around me can just snap their fingers and have five girls there ready to hand out their virginity to the asshole. I'm the fucking nice guy! Why do I try so hard? Do I even fucking care, or am I just trying to find something else to fill my time? Why does it even fucking matter? Why do I fucking care? Who knows, or gives a shit.

I look for guidance. I play World of Warcraft to fill my time. I go and play Ultimate and wish I could get drunk out there with them. I just do that shit at home, get drunk and fuck up from the comfort of my home. What's my problem anyways? Is it caring to much, or not enough? I wish I knew, I wish someone else knew. Fucking tell me what's wrong with me so I can have a good time like everyone else. I'm just venting anger now. Trying to find purpose like every other person out here. I found that I hate religion more than anything. Every time it comes up, I get angry and I hate that person. FUCK RELIGION. Just another way to hide behind things better left untouched and unspoken. Fuck you and fuck your beliefs. Go home, and find something real to hold onto and leave my sorry ass alone.

I''m constantly..

..looking for love.
Like soldiers -
look for something to fight for.
Like burglars -
look for a place to steal from.

I'd like to be done.
To stop wandering down this path.
I'll wander forever -
down a road unknown.
Just let me be and give me direction.
Thank you kindly stranger -
for being there at a moments notice.

Secretly..

..I'm in a constant state of sadness. I don't know why, I try to fill my time with meaningless activities that seem to either make me mad or worse - sadder. I guess it's just me and maybe I should just give up. I really want to fucking give up, I'm constantly striving for a relationship only to be shot down or thrown away like another piece of trash. It seem clear that I need psychiatric help, yet I don't want to know how close to crazy I really am. Just take me out back and lets get it over with.

Happiness..

..Is a lie. You're never truly happy. That feeling you get you think is happy, ain't happy (yeah I just used ain't get over it). It's a false commodity you hang onto when you think you've got this feeling of happy, but in truth it's just a memory you hang onto and when something makes you think of it, bam - "happiness". Eventually you'll eat yourself away at the concept of happiness, I just gave up. Fuck happiness. After being miserable for so long, nothing really makes me happy. The silliness has stopped being funny and girls.. The girls have become twice as irrational and rash. Honestly a long time ago I gave up. I gave up fucking everything. Want a tip to life? Do what YOU want to do and not what anyone else wants you to do.

Have a wonderful day.